Style Conversational Week 1267: As (we hope never) seen on TV! The Style Invitational Empress discusses the week’s new contest and results "Lazarus for Bulova Snooze Alarm Clocks: 'Sometimes, you just want to sleep a little longer.'” Kevin Dopart’s example for Week 783, September 2008. We’re doing this contest again, this time insisting on slogans or jingles. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) "Lazarus for Bulova Snooze Alarm Clocks: 'Sometimes, you just want to sleep a little longer.'” Kevin Dopart’s example for Week 783, September 2008. We’re doing this contest again, this time insisting on slogans or jingles. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow Feb. 15, 2018 at 3:10 p.m. EST Howdy! Time to try to make fun of bad taste with stuff that’s printable! As I mention in the introduction to Style Invitational Week 1267, this week’s contest was prompted by the jaw-droppingly stupid decision by Ram Trucks — in the guise of a celebration of the American spirit of helpfulness and public service — to play a clip from the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “Drum Major” sermon to hawk its brand during the Super Bowl. Especially when that sermon, made two months before King’s assassination in 1968, happens also to contain this: “And so we see it everywhere, this quest for recognition. And we join things, overjoin really, that we think that we will find that recognition in. Now the presence of this instinct explains why we are so often taken by advertisers. . . . They have a way of saying things to you that kind of gets you into buying. In order to be a man of distinction, you must drink this whiskey. In order to make your neighbors envious, you must drive this type of car. . . . “And you know what else it causes to happen? It often causes us to live above our means. . . . Do you ever see people buy cars that they can’t even begin to buy in terms of their income? You’ve seen people riding around in Cadillacs and Chryslers who don’t earn enough to have a good T-Model Ford. But it feeds a repressed ego.” Anyway, we’ve done a contest at least twice before for inappropriate celebrity endorsements. The first was all the way back in Year 1, which my predecessor, the Czar, ran almost exactly 24 years ago. Back then, the Invite’s humor was as topical as it is now, but in 1994 we of course were entirely in print, and so couldn’t include those handy-dandy explanatory links. And since The Post’s print circulation is almost entirely local, there were a lot more D.C.-area references. Here are some highlights with a few reminders; the whole list, which now exists online, possibly via optical scanner, is here. Report from Week 52, in which we asked for inappropriate celebrity endorsements for real products. Yes, yes, of course. Dolly Parton for Bounce; Louis Farrakhan for Wite-Out; Ollie North for Nabisco Shredded Wheat [referring to shredding documents]; Pee-wee Herman for the Pocket Fisherman [masturbation reference]; [madam] Heidi Fleiss for Trix; [harassing Sen.] Bob Packwood for Huggies. Tell us something we don’t know, like: - Fourth Runner-Up: Oksana Baiul for Saab (Randy Wetzel) [especially emotional Olympic skater] - Third Runner-Up: Sens. Claiborne Pell and Strom Thurmond for Congressional Olds (Elden Carnahan) [two ancient senators] - Second Runner-Up: Adm. Bobby Ray Inman for Chicken of the Sea (Roy Highburg) [Weeks earlier, Inman had been nominated by President Clinton as defense secretary, but then asked his nomination to be withdrawn, even though his confirmation was assured, after columnist William Safire criticized him.] - First Runner-Up: The Jackson family for Chock Full O’Nuts (Nick Dierman) - And the winner of the framed poster of Rocky Marciano: John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft (Chuck Smith) [Selected] Honorable Mentions: Marla Maples for Gravy Train (Randy Wetzel) [Trump’s second wife] Dr. Cecil Jacobson for Jiffy Pop Popcorn. (Don Buening [The fertility doctor was found to have impregnated at least 15 women — and possibly dozens more — with his own sperm. He served five years in prison and, says Wikipedia, “now lives in Provo, Utah, where he is involved in agricultural research.”] John Gotti for E-Z Off (C. Buffington) Rose Mary Woods for The Gap (Eileen Kirby, Philadelphia) [Nixon’s secretary loyally “explained” the famous 18-minute gap in a key Oval Office recording re Watergate by contorting her body to show how she must have accidentally erased the Dictabelt.] Jack Kevorkian for Curtains Unlimited (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dexter Manley for ABC (Fred Burton, McLean) [Wow, too offensive for me: The Redskins lineman had recently disclosed that he was illiterate well into adulthood, but had finally learned to read by taking intensive classes at Washington’s Lab School for students with learning disabilities.] Michael Dukakis for General Dynamics (Stephen W. Buchanan, Mount Airy, Md.) [Ha-ha: a sarcastic reference to the tiny, nerdy 1988 presidential candidate looking even dweebier by riding around in a military tank.] I brought back the contest in 2008, but invited accompanying slogans (but didn’t insist on them, as I am this time). Also, unlike this time, I dropped the insistence on “inappropriate” because I was finding it hard to decide, when it’s a joke anyway, what’s appropriate vs. in-. (I will probably be flexible this week on this as well.) (The full results are evidently /not / still online on a Washington Post page, which is why we all should cherish the Master Contest List kept by Loser Elden Carnahan, which for every contest there’s a link to at least a text version like this one. ) Here’s a partial list: Report From Week 783, in which we asked you to choose an appropriate — or comically inappropriate — person, real or fictional, to endorse a particular product. Entries sent by too many people to credit individually include the Marquis de Sade, Torquemada, etc., for Hertz; Cheney hunting buddy Harry Whittington for Target; Monica Lewinsky for Hummer; and Bill Clinton for Merriam-Webster [“It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is”]. 4. Lorena Bobbitt for Johnson Wax. (Larry Yungk) 3. Vladimir and Estragon for Verizon Repair Service. (Barbara Turner) 2. Jane Fonda for 20th Century Fox. (Phyllis Reinhard) And the Winner of the Inker: Ralph Nader for Armour Chopped Liver: “Hey, where’s MY press coverage?” (Marty McCullen) Seen Only on 4 a.m. Infomercials: Honorable Mentions The Three Magi for the Old Spice Gift Pack. (Mike Ostapiej) Robert Franklin Stroud, the Birdman of Alcatraz, for Stayfree With Wings. (Stephen Dudzik) Mike Krzyzewski for Hooked on Phonics. (N.G. Andrews) Joan of Arc for Sears. (Sue Lin Chong) David Duke for Kotex: “Wear white with confidence.” (Jeff Brechlin) Sen. Joseph McCarthy for Visine. (Beverley Sharp; Mike Ostapiej) [“Gets the red out.”] 280 million Americans for Lean Pockets. (Brendan Beary; Chuck Smith) [You may recall the 2008 recession.] Steve Irwin for Ray-Ban. (Stephen Dudzik; Kevin Dopart, Washington) [“Crocodile Hunter” Irwin was killed by a stingray.] Oedipus for Next Day Blinds. (Brendan Beary; Stephen Dudzik) Johnnie Cochran for Trojans: “If the glove don’t fit, you can’t emit.” (Russ Taylor) [Steroid users] Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and Jason Giambi for Pep Boys (Rick Haynes; Stephen Litterst) Gen. Antonio López de Santa Anna for Texas Toast. (Tom Witte) *MATCH MADNESS*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1263* /*Non-inking headline by Chris Doyle/ Lots and lots of entries — somewhere north of 1,900 — for our Week 1263 contest pairing the scoreboard abbreviations for any two international and college sports teams and describing the game. I was helpfully visited by a mild case of the flu or imitation thereof during my two days of judging, but I found lots to laugh about amid some less laughable experiences in the duration. As always when we’re working from a finite list, even a long one, there was a lot of duplication; just a small fraction of this week’s 46 inking entries were unique pairings. I had at least 10 for AHO-LES; there were also many for BAR-FIN, LAM-EST, BUR-GER, SLE-AZE and others. Except in the case of BAR-BER, which I note in the introduction to this week’s results, I compiled the ones I liked on a short­list, then chose the entry that read best to me. Among the unique pairings: Ira Allen’s USU-URI, Duncan Stevens’s ALA-M-OH and MEM-MRI, Jesse Frankovich’s WICH-UNT, Mary McNamara’s INA-BLR, Danielle Nowlin’s GHA-ARG, Jeff Hazle’s YEM-OMA. Not many more. It’s always exciting, after I make my picks each week, to discover who wrote them — and to find that the winner is a First Offender. This time it’s Meg Winters with the best of half a dozen GRAM-MAR pairings, who’d entered the Invite a handful of times but didn’t get ink until today. And presumably she didn’t even know about the Empress’s soft spot for grammar jokes, born from her decades on the Style section copy desk. So now that she’ll be getting a Lose Cannon along with her Firstink air “freshener,” Meg will have to try again to get a Loser magnet. And while Mark Raffman seems to hang out in the Losers’ Circle more often than not, it’s the first visit there — and just the fourth (and fifth) blot of ink overall — for Mary McNamara, who wrote my favorite of several BUR-PNG matchups. Mary gets her choice of the “Gotta Play to Lose” mug or the “I Got a B in Punmanship” tote bag. As does veteran journalist Ira Allen, who gets his 15th ink “above the fold” and Ink No. 141 overall. Not eligibile for ink, but I’ll share it here: And finally, if the Style Invitational (STI) played Nicaragua (NCA), you’d get the same thing you get every week. (Jeff Hazle) *What Doug Dug:* The faves this week of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood included — duh-- Meg’s winner, plus Gary Crockett’s COD-GER, Warren Tanabe’s SLE-AZE, Jesse Frankovich’s ARM-PITT, Kyle Hendrickson’s EST-RUS, Harold Mantle’s LAM-EST and Larry Levine’s AHO-LES. *Off the field: Unprintables from Week 1263: *Well, I used Seth Tucker’s HUN-GUY only in the online Invite. But I didn’t go with: Due to a BHU-BHU in scheduling, the other team didn’t show up so the boys from Bhutan had to play with themselves. (Jon Gearhart) Peru (PER), Poland (POL) and the Cook Islands (COK)? Hey, it’s the WINTER Olympics! (G. Smith) If Furman (FUR) played Kansas (KU), both teams would get a record number of taunting penalties. (Ira Allen) If Ball State (BALL) played Sacramento State (SAC), things could get downright testy.(Tom Witte) (There were a lot of BALL-SAC entries.) *NOTE FOR WEEK 1262 CROSSWORD CLUE LOSERS: * Because of the aforementioned Mr. Fluish Bug, I had to play catch-up with the Week 1263 judging and got only about half the week’s prizes sent out yesterday. I’ll get the remaining 24 or so in the mail by tomorrow morning. *LAST CALL FOR SUNDAY’S LOSER BRUNCH! * I’ll be there, not spreading any bugs, at Victoria Gastro (erp) Pub in Columbia, Md., this Sunday at noon. It’s not to late to add your name to the list! RSVP on the Loser website, NRARS.org (click on “Our Social Engorgements”), so we can get a head count and reserve the right-size table. I’m always especially eager to meet new Losers — come on out.